I have never really known if I conspired against my child, thus causing the baby to die. or, if others conspired against me, thus taking my baby away and leaving me with a deep empty space somewhere between my head and my heart. I have been told a number of times that I signed the consent form. I was an adult. And yet because of the different losses that had happened prior to this event (loss of parent, bullying, in care) I lacked the ability to stand up for what I wanted, I can’t even say what I wanted , but I certainly did not want an abortion. Later in my life when the grief came and the baby become real for me it was too late.